sigh, its funny how after i just posted the previous post, things just went wrong. mum came into my room and shoved me, screaming for me to go to bed. now i must say it WAS late - or early in the morning, whichever way u want to look at it - but i had things on my mind. gosh i'm 19 and i'm leaving in 2 wks time. wheres the cancellation tool, anyone?
only 1 mnth after the new year had begun, cny celebrations kick in. this year, somehow, mum put in extra effort in decorating the hse. for what reason, i can only speculate. i'd like to think that its her little gesture to me b4 i go overseas :) anyhow, it did get me into the cny mood.
apart from that, this cny has started off no different from previous years. but of course, i'm not complaining. there is comfort in familiarity. chu xi was celebrated at my hse, along with other relatives who find it a hassle to prepare a big feast on their own too. hence we potluck and everyone is happy.. and not overworked.
recre time followed shortly after dinner, and though the cousins didnt play pictionary this yr, we were all well-entertained. i'm glad that despite the cousins coming from different age grps, we still manage to bond and connect better than one could hope for. this is smth special and i must say that we cousins have to continue the tradition of meeting up even when the older generation dwindles away. otherwise, our families will just get even more nucleated and that is, well, sad. not because i believe in the whole 'blood is thicker than water' axiom, but because we've known this all our lives and to lose it would be losing a part of ourselves, if not our childhood.
afterall, what is chinese new year? it encompass less nowadays as it no longer is a once a year affair of new clothes and good food. it gradually isnt even looked upon as a new beginning. no, we have new year for that. red packets are viewed simply as a delightful addition to our allowance - the wellwishes they embody quickly cast aside. so what, then?
well after todays reunion dinner, i would like to think of it as a time of bonding with family and relatives whom we take forgranted for. its not like we couldnt do it at other times of the year, but cny just gives us more excuse to. afterall, friends are the family we choose ourselves, and for that we invest alot of time in them. but then how often do we invest time in these ppl who are already family? and its not like i cant think of ppl who would rebuke me on that. true, your mum may scream at you all day, hurling abusive words. she may hit you, she may impose unreasonable restrictions on you. but maybe, maybe, if you treat her as well as you do your friends, things wouldnt be all that bad? at least, thats what i tell myself sometimes. i still hold on to the philosophy that time invested in others, is never time wasted. its always, always, well worth. ps. btw i gave my lil cousin this christmas gift and she gave me a cny card n momento in return! read what she wrote, its really cute. haha.
or maybe i just feel so. because time flies like nobody's business these few days. its like i practically have nothing to do except packing and hanging out with ppl, and time still flies! no wonder they say time flies when u're having great fun, and by that i mean when i'm hanging out with ppl, of course. packing is so not fun - its a real headache.
but i shall stop complaining. ppl have been treating me v nice lately. wanting to treat me and give me 'bon voyage' gifts - i prefer not to call them farewell or parting gifts cos i'm sure this is not the last i'll see of you guys! :) so thank you all out there, really. you're such a great bunch of ppl it makes leaving real hard. -sniffs-
went to morten's at oriental hotel with you'an and zhen yesterday. the beef sandwich there is really good. makes you wonder how in the world just beef (really chunky beef tho) and bread can taste so delicious. and so was the chocolate martini. and COMPANY, of course. zhen, you so weren't a lightbulb!! you're my other darling, remember? :)
watched 'shall we dance?' today. its so sweet. a good old tale of romance that lasts. of passion for dance, but yet more passion for the ones who love you and stand by you. i quote my fav lines from the show:
'i didn't tell you, because i was ashamed.'
'of what? dancing?'
'no. ashamed of.. wanting to be happier. when i already have so much.' 'the one thing i'm proudest of is that you're happy with me.. and if i couldn't tell you i wasn't happy sometimes, it was because i couldn't risk hurting the very person i treasure most.'
'why is it, do you think, that people get married?'
'that's interesting because i would've taken you for a romantic. why then?'
'because we need a witness to our lives. there's a billion people on the planet. i mean, what does any one life really mean? but in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything - the good, the bad, the terrible, the mundane.. all of it, all the time, every day. you're saying, "your life will not go unnoticed, because i will notice it. your life will not go unwitnessed, because i will be your witness."'
'Things don't always work out the way we want them to, or the way we think they will. Sometimes we don't even see it coming. We get hit with some form of pain out of nowhere leaving us feeling desperate and helpless. That's the way life is. Still, it makes us wonder how God can let these things happen to us. How God can just stand by and watch us suffer. Where is God when it really hurts? Maybe God is actually closer to us than we think. Maybe it's when we're in these situations, where everything seems to be falling apart, that God gets an opportunity to remind us of how much he really loves us.'
i've found its much better to give a ton and get back alot in return, not caring about the fact that you din get back as much as you gave, than to give little or none and get back little or none.
read 'suzanne's diary for nicholas' by james patterson today. its dedicated to everyone who's loved and lost and learned to love again. sad and touching all at once.
my favourite exerpt from the book:
'there is one image that keeps coming back to me about suzanne. it captures who she was, and what was so special and unique about her.
she is kneeling on our front porch one night. she wants my forgiveness, even though there is nothing to forgive. if anything, i should have been seeking her forgiveness. she had gotten some sad news that day, but in the end, she could only think about how she might have hurt me. suzanne always thought about other people first, but especially about the two of us. God, did she spoil us, nicholas.'
i wanted to do a trillion things today but i found it equally satisfying to curl up in bed and read a good book. wish the bf were there just sitting beside me reading his bk too tho, each not speaking a word but basking in each others' presence. 1 more mnth. time flies. i noe some ppl cant wait to get rid of me tho, haha.
sunyanzi's concert was nice and sweet. cant really say it was awesome cos there were highs and lows. mainly cos i think shes changing her image from the sweet little girl-next-door to a pop diva. n its not that its not good or anything but i just like the old her. the new her ballading out her old songs of love and romance just wasnt as enchanting. think somehow its cos her technique has changed too. her voice now lacks the quality of 'innocence'. dunno how else to put it. serene agrees with me too. but nonetheless we are both very much aroused by her concert. time to dig up those dust-covered cds of yanzi's! now let me try to recount the bits that were memorable. her slow songs are still very soulful and touching. its just the way she puts it across. and if u can ever 'hear' helplessness and forlorn love, i've heard it today. maybe its the certain raspy quality about her voice. maybe its the appropriate breathlessness. i dunno. but it works. and sometimes i still wonder how someone so tiny and skinny can have such a large and powerful voice. but i must mention. SHE CANT DANCE FOR NUTS!!
2 songs were extremely fantastic today tho. 'silent all these yrs' and the finale song 'ti orh orh'. the former's intro was smth along the lines of keeping it simple and hence she just sat on a chair n sung it. it sounded so much better than the cd version. so heart-wrenching. and the simple setting suited the song too. indeed, simpleness is captivating and appealing esp in this complex, complicated world. the latter has an even richer history, being the song that rose her to popularity. sung at the end of her every concert, it still never failed to leave a lasting impression.
下起雨也要勇敢前进.. and as the lights on her fade to black she sings.. 我现在好想回家去..
yay things are slowly falling into place. i've done all the paperwork and medical examinations, bought my laptop and webcams, researched on the medical books i need, assured my worried parents that they CAN communicate effectively with me now that i've got everything installed... jus hav yet to get my laptop in full working order cos it currently doesnt have microsoft nor the internet (and i realised that those are probably the 2 most important things in a com).
hmm i think i'm considered quite efficient already! its been like jus 3 posts back when i was freaking out that i din have anything done yet..
can get down to paying attention to the minor details now. like more cheap $5 clothes since i figured i'm gonna spoil half of them when i get there :S and more non-holey lingerie. OOOPS. did i just type that. hee. i need a gd quick-fix meals cookbk too. anyone got anything to recommend? i would be eternally grateful to you for determining the bulk of my diet for the next 5 yrs. :)
and i just put in all the little momentos u guys gave me that i wanna bring overseas, and realised they take up QUITE A FAIR BIT of space. die i have to be a bit more selective. but i just cant!! think i have to wait till the weighing machine announces that i have excess luggage b4 i begrudgingly take things out. oh wells.
now i really feel like i AM going overseas. -contented smile on face- but oh no. the feeling isnt too good once i've typed out that line.
see title. wierd stuff jus pop into my head. like how one cannot accuse others of being self-centred without committing the crime himself. i mean this is really tricky. see if you wanted to accuse someone as such cos of smth the person has done to you or not done for you for that matter, wouldnt you be putting urself in a position where u're being self-centred too? so when would your accusation be right? does relativity comes into play? most would agree that it is justified to be self-centred when the other party's self-centredness is so beyond u that ur self-centredness is deemed basic rights. then i would say our 'basic rights' standard would differ. moreover, arent we supposed to be always putting others b4 self, giving sacrificially, etc etc? if so self-centredness is NEVER justified. hmm ok thats settled BUT then what if one feels unhappy cos of the numerous times one has to ignore other's self-centredness?...
whoohoo. looks like i'm just going around in circles. BUT I'M NOT! i'm sure i did achieve my objective of setting u guys thinking! haha. anw i discussed so much about one topic, i dun even hav the mental strength to move on to the other ideas tt had popped into my head.
read this book called 'blink: the power of thinking without thinking'. the blurb sounded really good:
'blink is a bk about how we think without thinking, about choices that appear to be made in an instant - in the blink of an eye - that actually arent as simple as they seem. why are some ppl brilliant decision makers, while others are consistently inept? why do some ppl follow their instincts and win, while others end up stumbling into error? how do our brains really work? blink reveals that the great decision makers arent those who process the most information or spend the most time deliberating, but those who have perfected the art of 'thin-slicing' - knowing the very few things that matter...'
interesting points it contains but i can say i only benefitted but little from the bk. the truth is we all can thin-slice, albeit at different levels. some ppl 'thin-slice' better than others, and we say they have better EQ (when it comes to mind reading and understanding ppl), better judgement (when it comes to making decisions) or better intuition (when it comes to going with the gut feeling). and after reading the bk i'm still not sure how to improve one's ability to thin-slice. reading facial expressions and observing subtleties help but to a certain extent we all know that. we all know to look into others' eyes to judge sincerity, we all know to read body language to get a picture of how relaxed or uneasy the person we are talking to actually is. we all KNOW. the only major thing i think i picked out from the bk would be not to err in stereotyping ppl or situations, because this is dangerous esp in rapid cognitive thinking. keeping an open mind will help one 'thin-slice' better. why so? take for example this statement from the best car dealer in USA. he says he treats everyone who walks into his showroom as a potential buyer, an equal. the farmer in overalls. the teenage boy. the black woman. you'll never know. the mistake most car dealers make is that they start to judge based on appearance and their preconceived notions. they think, 'this person doesnt look like he's really going to buy a car' and the buyer reads this somehow (not everyone's so easily fooled you know). a whole chain of reactions start, with the end result being the buyer not wanting to buy the car from them.
ok, enough of that. i must say readups on things mentioned in the book have been fruitful. the OJ Simpson case. the assassination attempt on Ronald Reagan. the Dialio shooting in the bronx. the beating of Rodney King which sparked the LA riots. events in recent history which sound familiar but which i never had a clue about. not to mention i picked up many random facts too. like the pentagon's millennium challenge '02. the warren harding error. the pepsi blind-sip-test challenge. googled virginia woolf and found mrs dalloway. which reminded me about the hours. never really understood that movie. so i went to read up some commentaries about it. ahh. now i finally understand that the theme of the show is the questioning if it is better to live your life for your own happiness or others. which makes me realise that if you are able to make others' happiness your own, you would have no dilemma. but right now, thats another story. its time to move on to another good... better book. i mean. oh and i must really thank God that in some bizarre way, i managed to get the contact of this other girl who's going to monash in feb too! its bizarre cos i went to visit my dad at the hospital while he was recovering from a minor surgery to remove some haemorrhoids (ahh i must start learning these scientific terms), and his 2 frens were there. the topic was brought up and one of the uncles said he knew some other doctor's daughter gg there too. said he'll help us exchange contacts. so yay! am going to link up with her. apparently she knows 7 other ppl who are going too. now my parents can really be less worried.
gotta get down to prep for my uni life. i havent settled my visa, gone for my health checks (apparently 5 of them - xray bloodtest n stuff), confirmed my accom, bought the neccessities (laptop?!), or packed! kinda last min eh. but nvm. i'm efficient. I HOPE.
ps. title courtesy of sheryl's dear. haha. and i STRESS on the apostrophe S.
there's been an undercurrent of unhappy thoughts despite how cheerful and happy-go-lucky i might appear
and i'm usually not pessimistic
i dunno whats wrong with me someone's mean to me i dun even know if the person's knows it my world is falling apart i usually do not blog so incoherently she says the devil's living inside of me is it really? i bathe in salt in the privacy of my toilet despite willing myself not to i'm in a state of denial about everything how long is this going to last?
does anybody know what i'm going through?
i know the obvious answer
but what if things are so bad
you cant feel Him anymore
this is just so not the right way to start the new yr