Why are you so good with me? What's wrong with you that you can't be this good with someone you have feelings for?
Somehow somewhere, after hearing these lines on Grey's, a strong note of resonance reverberated deep within me. Advice preached, advice we all should gain when crucial. Maybe, as Meredith asserts, we're all 'dark and twisty', really.
i fluttered by; 2:28 PM
My current preoccupations.
Serials I'm catching:
Smallville Grey's Anatomy Prisonbreak (done) Heroes How I Met Your Mother Darn, I do spend alot of time each week following up on all these.
Of late, I have been doing alot of thinking. It happens. It's called channeling negative experiences to healthy and productive outcomes. I can't say if it works though. It seems that with the passing of each day, a little part of us dies and a new part grows to take its place. It's a vicious cycle. Each time we learn something new, each time we make a new resolution, each time we falter, each time we fall, a miniscule part of us withers and fades away. With every lesson learn, each pledge to persevere, each trudge against the tide, each time we change a bit of our character to battle circumstances, a new part grows to replace it. It's never sudden, it happens gradually over time. So subtly it creeps in, such that we don't even realise it. But sometimes we look a few years back, and it dawns upon us. We then realise that it is no wonder our friends have indeed observed a change, be it for the better or for worse. Or mostly, it's usually some parts for the better, some parts worse. Just thinking about it freaks me out. What if one day every part of who I am dies, and leaves in its wake, a brand new girl? A stranger. It scares me that one day when I'm older, I will forget the twenty year old me -- the girl who cried at both movies and the world, the girl who dreamt of snowy plains, lying on the soft white flakes and making snow angels, the girl whose laughter came so easily, the girl who had the difficulty finding the line between memories and reality, the girl who came skipping with a vision, that silly lass who didn't know what love or life was, but pretended she did anyway. I feel like I need to remember. Hence, ever so preciously I keep momentos, stowing them away to be revisited. But most of all we all need our dearest friends to remember, to stow each other away in our memories. So that if need be, we can catch and violently shake them out of their reverie when they've gone rotten. If need be, we have someone to turn to for a reminder if we can't recognise ourselves anymore. And one day, when all that is said and done, we can sit down over coffee and chatter like long lost friends, delighting in the fact that we've all changed for the better. Delighting in the fact that we've all played a part to help each other up this triumphant path.
i fluttered by; 3:25 PM
Can't grasp this ghost.
People fade away, pains go phantom.
i fluttered by; 2:19 PM
A take on success.
To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and to endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or by a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. That is to have succeeded.
It was right then that I started thinking about Thomas Jefferson on the Declaration of Independence and the part about our right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And I remember thinking, how did he know to put the pursuit part in there? That maybe happiness is something that we can only pursue and can actually never have. No matter what. How did he know that?
An incredibly witty voiceover, convincing enough for me to believe it rings real in the minds of those down and out in the streets of San Francisco. Of course, the show was no tragedy. The lead, played by Will Smith, is one of the thousands of people who has emerged from that debilitating thought, who has broken out of the poverty cycle, who has truimphed over the darkness that clouded his life. Based on a true story, Christopher Gardner, did achieve his happiness in the end, after enduring the great pains of pursuit. But what truly made the movie nothing short of heartwarming and inspiring? I would say that it was the way the filmographers portrayed Gardner's deteriorating marriage, his single-handed parenting, and his unpredictable career detours. They were juggled with such great dexterity, one could feel the real despair in his situation. His 5 year old kid, also added much charm and dimension to the film. I loved the part where Gardner spoke to his son at the basketball court, telling him in all fatherly figure fashion, 'Don't ever let someone tell you, you can't do something. Not even me.' This admirable parenting quality, where a father fights to safeguard and keep intact the bond he has with his child, is so rare nowadays.
There were lighthearted moments too, which evicted chuckles. Here's one.
CEO: What would you say if man walked in here with no shirt, and I hired him? What would you say? Gardner: He must have had on some really nice pants.
:) Ultimately, what's most striking about the film is that it does not seek blame or create unfounded obstacles for the character - particularly racial ones - instead enabling Chris' triumph as a personal one unencumbered by social or political context. To put it more precisely, the film wasn't a story of a black man learning how to succeed in a white world, or a poor person becoming rich, but the achievement of one man who looked past the litany of obstacles to which he could have easily surrendered.
And that's exactly what the pursuit of happyness is all about - setting goals and accomplishing them, proper spelling be damned.
You got a dream, you gotta protect it. People can't do something themselves, they wanna tell you that you can't do it. You want something? Go get it. Period.
Start by doing the hardest thing. You forgive yourself.
They say when you have to battle the darkness for too long, you'd soon get consumed by it. And so that's what happened to our dear unorthodoxed neighbourhood sheriff, Spiderman. He's got the girl of his dreams, is loved by the public, and is still at the top of his class despite his nightly heroic escapades. Naturally, like any other human, he got too full of himself. In particular, he wants to avenge his uncle's premature death. And has to battle friend-turned-foe Green Goblin, Venom, and Sandman. It is no wonder Mary Jane Watson tells him everyone needs help sometimes, even dear old Spidey. And along the lines we also wonder, whether the greatest battle he's involved in is the circumstancial one he's facing or the one internally raging within.
I think most times, we wonder that of ourselves too.
But oh well, back to my commentary. On the whole, it wasn't a bad show. And I particularly liked the CGI effects of the Venom. So creepy crawlie. Other than that, I shall not post any spoilers. Go catch the show!
I think I've taken a pretty long hiatus from dwelling on the touchy feely 4 letter word in all its romantic sense. I still remember when it was a constant train of thought, whether it was thinking I was experiencing it or tryingtoputthepiecestogetherandmakesenseofandlearnfrom the whole experience, before I decided to consciously chuck it aside. I resolved to not think about it for 5 years, the crucial 5 years of uni life. And so far I've been doing well, I presume. Despite this firm resolve, I didn't grow too cynical, I didn't let my heart harden too much. And I've been rewarded in a sense. More energy, time and focus for other things I consider dear, more girlfriend time, more good strong clearly platonic friendships.
But I think somewhere along the lines I'm getting increasingly muddled. My approach has led me to wrongly trusting in some not so clearly platonic friendships. Now it seems like its all coming back to me again, right from the beginning of the cycle where I get questioned about why I keep pushing people away. Where people start saying I think I'm too good for any guy. Just like how he asked me then.
So don't criticize someone for pushing people away when they haven't blown her away, when her mind is still set on 'single and unavailable', when the best thing to do now is to leave her be and devote your energy to another. I'm in the same boat as all those out there now, I'm just as clueless. In spite of having made choices I know I won't regret, I have no idea where I'm headed this time.
Life hasn't always been easy, but I'd do it all over again.
My 1st week at rural;
Warrugul, only an hour's drive from Clayton. Surprisingly, it is the home to the best Indian Restaurant in Melbourne. And the ice chocolate at The Grange was fabulous too, really rich and chocolatey. I've yet to try the ice chocolate at Koko Black, but I have a speculation that it might be comparable. Okay, enough about food. My time at Warrugul was pretty decent. In fact, minus the freezing cold, I did enjoy myself there. 5 days without the Internet didn't seem quite as bad, especially when you have good company to hang out with. On thursday night we had a 'sing-along session', learning the song we composed for 6 lovely ladies at the Gracevale Lodge, a low care facility. These ladies shared their life stories with us, and in appreciation we wrote a song for them, apart from the gifts and presentation we were supposed to do for them:
This is a song from us to you To thank you for those stories you shared Every wrinkle on every face Maps a journey from place to place Little children you all once were To wonderful people siting here
I'm sure life hasn't been easy But hand in hand we'd make it through Just take a good look around you See all the beauty and people surrounding you
Life story, treasured memories, tender moments, your life story
Guess this really bonded us peeps of the Warrugul Gardens Holiday Park. After this, we even had an 'arts-n-craft session', designing handmade gifts for our persons. Jon Goh and Yuan Hwa really provided us with entertainment then, being typical guys whose bane was working with scissors, coloured paper and glue! Yuan Hwa went on and on about how he got 39 for his art grade, which pulled his average down really significantly, and when he told his mum about it, she was like 'so..I'M NOT GOING TO DO YOUR ART WORK ANYMORE!!' Really hillarious!! I think we went bonkers that night. Probably due to the fact that we were sleep-deprived too.
In fact, I'm amazed at how much effort everyone put in for their persons actually, even to the extent that it caused us sleep. But we were greatly rewarded, in the end. The ladies loved our presentations and gifts, and some of them even teared at the song. I'm sure some of us teared too (yes, even Becky admitted to it, so no doubt about that). I guess this is one of the few moments of my experiences in studying to be a doctor that I'd take home, to be etched in my memory for quite some time. And it does once again show how the gift of music can deeply touch one's soul. Maybe I still do have a talent for composition afterall. It's been quite awhile.
The ladies gave us one last word of wisdom as we departed, which serves as a word of encouragement and a reminder all at the same time. That was 'to never change' despite growing into professional doctors. 'To never change', from having so much heart.
Pre-PS. People! Never put your parents in a nursing home. I repeat, NEVER. The old lady I talked to seemed pretty okay with it, but later revealed that she really did not have a choice and have to live with it. Could really feel her sadness and homesickness.
PS. Those intending to choose Warrugul, bring warmer clothings and a good sleeping bag! I had to curl up in my sleeping bag with 2 extra blankets and still the cold would wake me up intermittently through the night. Not pleasant at all.
PPS. My GP visit found me a doctor I really really admired. He was eloquent and sensitive, and addressed all tricky issues with so much grace and heart. At times I could see that his patients did not have the same mindset as he, but he still managed to deliver his message across, in a way that did not come off as paternalising, and yet had the convincing factor. I could just imagine myself warming up to him, and trusting him, were I his patient.
PPS. We had a visit to a vet and farm, both of which were really interesting. The vet's clinic was so white and clean and aseptic, it felt so much like something even better than a 5 star hospital. Now we know why they say some animals get treated better than human beings. Not to mention there was a general ward, big dogs ward, cat ward, consulting rooms, x ray room, general procedures room and an operation theatre with positive air pressure! The vet also gave us a talk on zoonoses i.e. diseases that spread from animals. The farm visit was also interesting because we got to witness the mechanised milking process. Really fast, the rate cows produce milk. PPPS. We had a day out providing the Indigenous community with BBQ lunch and games for the kids. The time spent sitting down with an Indigenous mum was insightful. I could sense the resentment within her, because of the injust her people have suffered. Too bad John Howard is still not apologizing for it. I guess this issue will take a long time to settle. Oh and did I forget to mention, I play shark and pirate with a few Indigenous kids, and had to be the shark? :)
The girl stepped into the house, unaware of what was going on and thinking that the lights were turned off 'because we (our household) was trying to save electricity'. How hilarious! But then, the blinds were rolled up revealing the words 'HAPPY BDAE JASMNE!!' splashed across the glass, and 34 familiar faces emerged from the backyard singing her the birthday song. They were led by Kerf, presenting his homemade Oreo cheesecake (her favourite), on which stood 21 candles arranged to form the number 21. The girl, (I would say) pleasantly surprised, blew out the candles with a huge smile on her face.
The birthday girl and her beloved.
Thanks goes out to everyone who helped make this surprise party such a success!! Things went much smoother than I imagined, and all the hushhush definitely paid off! You might not have heard, but the Year 2s have tried ambushing lots of people last year, but all our plans were somehow foiled one way or another. In addition, Terrence kept warning me that 'Jasmine is veryveryvery clever one, must plan properproperly'. To which, I definitely do not disagree, especially with the 1st half of the statement ;p
So yes, the point is, we score!! Everyone, give yourself a pat on the back. *Pats. For I'm very sure the girl had a blast on her very special and important day, and I'm sure everyone else had fun too! :))